How did my problems develop?
Mainly over a period of three years, being mistreated in voluntary work, in my professional career and my personal life. Culminating with the death, discovery, and dealing with the aftermath, of a very close friend. However, we also identified some deep-rooted issues emanating from early childhood with the witnessing of a violent end to my parent’s marriage, issues with unfair treatment in the Scouts, the breakup of my own marriage, coming out, the list is quite extensive ….
What kept them going?
The constant desire to please, receive acknowledgement, attention from others. The inability to express emotions, communicate effectively, and constantly being in the victim-rescuer-bully triangle. The inability to fully process what happened to my friend, to carry a huge amount of guilt and responsibility over what happened, reliving the experience daily, and not properly grieving. Not giving myself a break and constantly measuring myself against extremely high morals and expectations.
What did I learn in therapy that helped?
We were able to identify several triggers, a continual avoidance of the subject or trauma and learnt techniques to deal with the emotional turmoil they created.
Grounding
- 5 things I can see
- 4 things I can feel
- 3 things I can hear
- 2 things I can smell,
- 1 thing I can taste.
Now and then comparisons
I’m in the ‘here and now’ and not in the ‘there and then’. We created a script detailing the events replacing key text with words we envisaged Aaron would have said. We looked at sleep patterns and talked about gaining better restful sleep. We looked at ‘giving myself a break’, taking time out, and concentrating on positives. We discussed better communication techniques based on the DEARMAN acronym
- Describe
- Express
- Assert
- Reinforce
- Mindfulness
- Appear Confident
- Negotiate
What are my most unhelpful thoughts, assumptions, and beliefs
That I am a failure, responsible for everything and everyone, guilt and regret, everyone blamed me, I could have done something, I caused the death.
What alternatives did I find?
That people are responsible for their own lives and wellbeing. I could not have expected or predicted what happened, what others think is not important, its my life, body, mind, and the only person that must live with themselves is me. Its ok to set high morals and expectations but realism must kick in.
How can I build on what I learned?
Continue to test, use, and develop DEARMAN in communicating more effectively.
- How can people know what I’m thinking, need or want if I don’t tell them?.
- Remember Victim-Rescuer-Bully and be more Problem Solver while asking for help.
- Be Assertive, Caring, Nurturing, Listening.
What will help me to do this?
Taking time, not to push myself so hard, take timeout, remember to focus on my needs sometimes, have the confidence to talk opening to friends about how I’m feeling.
What will get in my way?
My “I’m a bad person” thoughts.
How can I tackle these barriers?
Using the techniques learnt.
What might lead to a setback for me?
Being let down. Falling into the triangle of doom of Bully-Rescuer-Victim. Allowing myself to be in a vulnerable situation. Not looking after myself, failing to identify and deal with triggers. Thinking that everyone has bad opinions of me.
What cues will tell me I am having a setback?
Feelings of negativity, assuming people have hidden agendas, not believing in myself, feelings of guilt, remorse, being a failure.
What do I normally start doing when I start to have a set back?
Avoid it, ignore it, put it in a box and hide it, clean or start a major project.
What will I do once I notice the cues?
Grounding, talk, listen, evaluate.
